#Tryharder

Every year, for my birthday, my father in law sends me cash in a card. This is what grandparents do for grandkids and this is what my father in law does for me. I guess I prefer he send me money opposed to some odd gift or cologne that I would never wear. He usually waits till Christmas to send those things.

This year, he sent me $100. Where $20 would have been fine and often my gift in the past, he stepped up this year and gifted large! Such a generous gift from the grandfather of my children and a man that I have grown to love and become good friends with over the 18 years we have been in each other's lives. He may be odd, crazy, hard of hearing and often times a "damned fool", but I do love the man for how he loves my kids as well as having a hand in creating the mother of my children and the chick I share a bed with.

What to do with $100?

He sent it early in the month as to ensure that it arrived in plenty of time for me to spend on myself for my birthday. I pulled it out of the card and tried to give it to my wife to just throw in the bank. She pressed me to just put it in my wallet and pushed that this was a gift and it's not to be used on bills. So there it sat, in my wallet, making me feel guilty every time I looked at it.

I am, without a doubt, terrible about spending money on myself. Every piece of clothing I own was purchased by my wife and most of the time I was not there to tell her "no" when she bought it. I don't go a lot of places alone because those things take away from my wife and kid time and they usually cost money. The bottles of liquor that sit in the cabinet are bottles that were gifted to me over the years or things my wife had won playing Bunco or something. My 65 Chevy truck was purchased with money that my wife saved from extreme coupon collecting because she knew that I would never take our own money to make such a luxury purchase. I don't do “me” time and I am terrible at spending money on myself.

I don't really know what this stems from. I am not writing this chapter to sell myself as some kind of Saint or martyr and I don't think it's some sort of insecurity, although there is probably some head-shrink term for it. My mom is very much the same way, so perhaps it is based on the product of my upbringing. My dad would occasionally splurge on something and he would then force my mother to get something for herself-much like the way my wife does to me.

I am a man that wants many things in life, but needs very little. The things that I believe I need are things that often cannot be bought and have no real monitory value. My happiness and security is not based on items purchased, but rather the pulse of the feelings of the important people in my life. If my flock is happy-I am happy.

Trust this-if I win the lottery tomorrow I will be writing my next chapter about all the dumb stuff I bought for myself. I am only human and that is to be expected.

So for two weeks that picture of Ben Franklin stared at me. For two weeks the weight of an impending purchase kept pushing on my shoulders. For two weeks that $100 reminded me that eventually I was going to have to spend it on something for me and it made me feel more guilt than you could ever imagine. If I had just made my wife take it, I could have just washed my hands of it and kissed it goodbye. There it sat, burning a hole of guilt and anxiety, in my pocket. (You're reading this going "dude, just send it to me! I'll find a use for it".).

After two weeks it came to me what I needed to do. The only way it would bring me any sort of joy or closure was that it needed to be spent on the people that I love. My flock. My family. There were two items my kids kept asking about and they totaled almost exactly $100 in price. So, I went shopping.

My kids are my everything and they are the only people in this world that I never feel guilty doing anything for. If this money was not allowed to be put in the bank, then the kids were going to be the recipients of gifts because I just didn't feel comfortable spending it on myself, knowing that my children had a list of wants. Watching them enjoy these gifts gives me more satisfaction than anything I could have ever bought for myself and the best part, these gifts created activities we could do as a family.

The money and guilt lasted two weeks and I have no regrets on the purchases I made. If I would have bought something for me, I would have certainly experienced remorse and further guilt. I don't know why I feel this way, but I assure you it is not based on a lack of confidence or belief in myself. Maybe Catholic guilt?

Those two weeks taught me that I need to become more comfortable with doing things for me. I need to #Tryharder to give myself a break and stop storing up on undeserved guilt and needless anxiety. I need to accept that I am deserving of an occasional splurge and to let go of the self-created pressure that comes with doing certain things for myself. I have to think that it causes the people in my life, especially my wife, guilt from pampering themselves knowing that I would never do the same and that is not fair. If you are like me, then you too should #Tryharder to give yourself an occasional break.

Whenever I feel like I need a shot in that arm, albeit a need for a boost of confidence, knowledge, or just a reminder or refresher on something I'm struggling with, I buy a book.

Most of the books I read are based in betterment. "How to be a better..." (Fill in the blank) kind of stuff. I don't always read the book all the way through and many of the books I just pull out whatever I need at the moment from the guidance provided in the pages and apply it to the situation.  I do also enjoy cookbooks because they provide guidance and ingredients.  I don't love novels or books that don't provide my brain knowledge. I will probably never read a Harry Potter book, but because of my wife and 9 year old daughter, I've seen all the movies.

Although I love a good quote or sound bite, it's rarely about that when it comes to what I take away from these pages. Sometimes you need a 20 page pep talk that gives you that kick in the ass to help get you through something or help to apply needed perspective and sometimes you need to read the whole book and just marinate on the words provided.

Book chapters help you get through chapters in your life and sometimes, just like any point of reference in life, you need to revisit the pages of a particular book as a reminder of where you need to start or start over. If you are wondering if I have read the bible, the answer is yes. However, I have never actually read it cover to cover. I have consumed the words and the teachings over the years, but I have never consumed it all at one time or as part of a book binge. Most likely, it is something I will do before I die.

We live in a blurb, blog and podcast society. We are Twitter readers and crave some sort of knowledge or quick understanding. We don't have time to wait till page 256 to get to the point of education. This is why all of my books are done on chapters that end up being around 1000 words. That, and I don't think I can stretch any of my stories of life experiences out any farther than that. My blogs and chapters don't require too much dialogue and there is never a soap opera storyline with a hunky Christian Grey character. Besides, if I would write romance novels, they would last 5 minutes...just ask my wife. "They made love during the commercial break and then he passed out as she began to tell him about what happen in the school pickup line"...just isn't romantic enough to make a movie out of.

Never look for a Hail Mary when it comes to books or life. Books will give you a launching point and perspective, but unless it's a book that tells you step by step how to build something (make sure to buy an Allen wrench) they rarely provide a timeline on how to live your life. I was reading this one book that got bad reviews from people on Amazon because it didn't give readers a list of steps or instructions on how to be better people. That's subjective. Also, it's called "self-help". That means you use these words to help yourself. The millennial society is looking for the abridged answer to life's mysteries and they only want to fast forward to the good parts, as if the book was on their personal DVR. The book and the author don't know what you need fixed in your life and they don't know about the obstacles that have been place, or you have placed, in front of you to get to this point in life where you need help.

Your timeline is your timeline. Your life is your life. You live by your rules and roadblocks and not the framework of pages crammed into something printed and later purchases at Barnes and Noble or online from Amazon. I have read books and then months later the information finally clicks. A current moment finally clicked and the knowledge from months prior could finally be applied and then used for guidance.

This goes beyond the teachings of books-think bigger.

Take mental notes in your life. Life tests you and those notes you took, and hopefully consumed in an honest way, may finally give you a platform for application. #Tryharder to be perceptive and have the patience to utilize your takeaways later on down the road (Be prepared!  That could be years!). There is no true timeline and your mental DVR won't delete this knowledge based on a specific date as long as you continue to work on applying it.

No grouping of words will ever change your life, but the investment in those words will.

The world has a short term memory.

If you have ever been in a situation where you just can't shuck a perception or you are guilty of doing something memorable, for all the wrong reasons, and you just can't change their opinion of you? Just wait. The world has a short term memory and an incredible case of ADD.
No matter how hard we try in life to do the right thing, be the best person and try not to screw up-it happens. Like a bad nickname that attaches itself to you in college or the time you accidentally farted in a room full of people, louder than you thought it was going to come out, you get attached to a negative. My whole career, I've been too young to do this and too young to do that, only to find myself, time and time again, to be the oldest person in the room or presumed to be out of touch by a younger generation. The time it takes to be in the target demographic to then be out of the target demographic seems to go by in what seems like hours. You're a kid one day and then you're too old. There will never be an in between or a sweet spot; life deals in extremes.

Need examples of how forgiving and forgetful we are?  Look no further than the tabloids. Paris Hilton and her boyfriend had sex on camera and soon after she was hosting the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. Hue Grant got caught with a hooker and later became the object of affection for tons of women just a movie or two later.  Alec Baldwin calls his daughter a pig and continues to receive awards for being a humanitarian.  Kim Kardashian turned her adult film into a multimillion dollar company and we buy anything and everything she is attached to. Our own (former) President had an affair and yet 10s of thousands of people would pay to hear him speak in public. Iron Man used to be a coke addict. I can keep going!  We forgive and forget. Maybe not forget as much as some of us would like to have things forgotten, but these things are forgotten enough to allow these people to grow and move on. The good news is that you are nowhere near as famous as these people. You can be relieved that your grandmother won't have to explain as much during her bridge club-it's not like to you shaved your head and beat up a car with an umbrella right?  Right?!

Make a scene at the company Christmas party and smack too many people on the ass?  Don't worry!  All you have to do is wait it out! As employees and bosses cycle out of your office, you could eventually find yourself head of the HR department for the entire company and not one person will have been employed at the time you did it. Your story might live on in the minds of your former co-workers, but nobody will be the wise to the legend of the Christmas part of 2009 because they weren’t even there.

Take solace in the fact that the majority of the people who out rank you in your career have done some truly despicable things prior to becoming your employer. I am no saying that all managers are bad or have a sketchy past, but I am saying that I have done this long enough and in enough places to watch people, who I know to have done some jaw dropping things, climb the ladder of success.

Know that the guy that used to hook up with every girl in college and spent every night drinking himself silly; not to mention cheated off the girl next to him in class, is now successfully working in politics and might one day hold a major office. Maybe I know him? Maybe I’ll get some hush money when he runs for President? Haha!

Know that the girl that was a complete mess in college and basically hooked up with every member of the football, basketball and baseball team, is now a high school guidance counselor and is married to the local preacher. Maybe I dated her? Haha!

All you need is time. Time heals all things. Time helps to kill nicknames, perceptions and mistakes. Time allows you the room for growth, to learn from those mistakes and gives you the necessary space to move on.  Sometimes you just have to outlast the people who hold those perceptions or know where the skeletons are buried.

Knowing this about time does not give you the green light to do terrible things. Understand that these things you have possibly done or things you are perceived to be can live on like an STD. Yet, like most of those diseases, people don't know that you have them.   You do though and that means that perception is like herpes. Sometimes you deserve herpes and sometimes you got it on accident. (I can’t believe I wrote that paragraph either. Haha!)

#Tryharder not to use time as your scapegoat for being a horrible person, but rest your head at night knowing that whatever moment you are dealing with will eventfully pass. Most will forget whatever it is and you will come out of it stronger and possibly wiser because even "pee pee pants" from 3rd grade can marry the prom queen.

They say you have one job as a father of a girl and that is to keep her off the pole, but there are a lot more important things in life than just that...

My daughter Erin just received an award from her school for her outstanding character. The recipients of this award are chosen by the other kids in the class and there are only a handful of children in the school that receive this acknowledgment each year. In the elementary world, this is a big deal. Her classmates stood up in front of a large room, filled with the whole 3rd grade, parents and faculty, and presented my 9 year old superstar with this award.

As I listened to her classmates stand in front of a room full of people and talk about my Erin I began to tear up and my heart filled with love. By the way, according to my doctor, love might come in the form of cholesterol, but regardless I was ecstatic as the children read the words that continue to confirm that my daughter is an amazing person. Beautiful inside and out. They spoke of her leadership and how the other kids looked up to her, not just because of her dynamic personality, but because of the calm and logic she brings to any situation as well as her huge heart.

As a parent you have an idea of what kind of kid you are raising, but till you see them as their peers see them, you never truly know who they are or how they are perceived. Yes, you have a relationship with your child, but it's different when you get to experience it through the eyes of others.

There are blinded parents who believe that their little Johnny is an amazing kid. "He's just his mamas little angel". Yet, Johnny has been over to your house or you've seen him when his parents are not around and have witnessed the real Johnny that emerges when he's allowed to be himself. Johnny is a dick. Mom and dad have no idea.

When Erin was 4 years old my wife was student teaching and we had to put both kids in daycare out of necessity. The school was taking many of the kids out to a farm for a field trip and they invited me to come along. After my first school bus ride in many years, we arrived at the farm and the kids poured out into a play area and proceeded to go crazy. I sat back and watched my daughter play and communicate with all her fellow students. This was the first time I got to see her interact with her classmates and I wanted to see who my daughter was in the group. Was she the crazy one? The funny one? The moody one? The naughty one? The one that played by herself? She was none of those children.

She was the leader. As they played, kid after kid ran up to Erin just to tell her what they were doing or ask who they should play with next. I've never seen anything like it. Cool and collected, like a military General, she ran the playground. When kids were being bad, she corrected them. When kids needed advice, she gave it to them. At 4 years old and probably the shortest kid in the group, my Erin was the queen of the playground. It was amazing. And here we are, 5 years later, watching my Erin accept an award based on her leadership and the respect she has earned from the other students.

If I accomplish nothing else in life, it's that my children will be kind and compassionate. I hope that they will be respected and looked up to because they are good people. They will have the lives that others want to emulate and they will be able to fall asleep at night knowing that they did their best with what they had. They will care about the betterment of others and will #Tryharder to not be selfish with their heart or time. What they do professionally matters little to me, just as long as they turn out to be good people who do the right thing. That is all I have tried to do in life and despite the challenges that accompany this way of thinking, I can rest my head at night knowing that I did my best to do the right thing and hopefully earn the respected of others in the process.   I hope my children (and maybe you) #Tryharder to do the same.

I gave up dairy for lent this year.

Every year, for the duration of lent, I give up something. Most of my deductions are food related and in years past I have given up excessive calories (anything over 2000), sugar, carbs, grains (beer was the target there) and fried food. One year I gave up swearing, but that lasted about 4 hours.

I'm not a good Catholic at all, but I figure that doing this might make up for the fact that I only go to church on average a few times a year. I used to be good when I was a kid. I was an altar boy for about 10 years at Good Shepard Catholic Church. I could ring a bell, mix water and wine and help to keep the service under 50 minutes. I've spent more Sundays up behind an altar, than I have sitting with the congregation. On the few times that I go to church each year, I spend most of my time mouthing along to the words that I still know by heart and critiquing the priest and altar boys on how they conduct the service. If a priest can't get mass done in less than 50 minutes it means he's milking it. If the altar boys don't move fluidly between their tasks, then they need to step up their game.

Most of the priests I served with always seems like they had somewhere to be after the service. They handled their business and got the congregation in and out of church, after having a post mass coffee and donut, in about an hour. Almost every service I've been to since seems to drag on with all the singing and the extra stuff. This isn't the reason I don't go to church or why I'm not that good of a Catholic, but it's not encouraging me either. I want my experience to be simple, cleansing and informative. I don't want a rock band or a bunch of people singing solos. Give me a message that connects, a few chanting style songs, shake some hands, take communion and let me bounce. That's what I want and I want it in less than an hour.

When I was a kid, the thing that brought my family back to the church was the death of my little brother Jimmy. After his passing, my dad felt we needed to get back into it and he made sure we went almost every Sunday. First communions and confirmations were knocked off the “to do” list and Michael and I became altar boys. When Michael became old enough to drive us to church, my parents stopped going and would just send some money for the plate along with us. After Michael started seeing this one girl, I started to attend church alone; as he would just drop me off and go make out with her for an hour. Not always, but it happened. After I went away to college, my attendance faded as it was harder for me to get up on Sunday morning after going to bed around 4am. Yes, I've attended church with a buzz and I've gone in an attempt to win a girl or two over. No, I'm not ashamed.

As an adult, I don't go for two reasons. 1). I am still working through some stuff on my own regarding the death of Michael and 2). I haven't had that "moment".

Each time I attend mass I listen to the message and do my best to take it in and listen for ways to relate to it or incorporate it into my life. I look for some common ground and hope to hear the flip of a switch in my head as the message helps me deal with something that I am currently working out in life. I just need to relate. It doesn't need to always fix my problems, it just needs to make some relatable eye contact. Not since the death of my brother and the service prior to his burial, 3 years ago, have I heard a light switch flipping. I just need to hear an invite or opening.

Some would say that if I went more often, then that would increase my chances of making a connection or if I just went to their church, it would all come together. Maybe the first part is true, but only time will tell. As for me coming to your church? Thanks in advance for the invite, but I'm going to pass. I may not be a good Catholic, but I'd like to remain a Catholic. Even if you are Catholic, again, thanks for the invite. Please don't attempt to force something on me, as I am dealing with this on my own and this chapter is not a call for help in any way. Send me the address, maybe I'll add it to my tour of churches, but please don't come knock on my door with a bible in hand.

I look for signs and opportunities in almost everything in life. I may come across as a closed minded Catholic because I don't wish to attend your church or I don't do a good job with attending ones of my own religion, but it's not true. I look for moments of inspiration and welcome new and exciting things into my life. I'm the guy that takes something that might be insignificant and write 1000 words about how it relates to our lives and somewhere in there throw in a #Tryharder message. So, being closed to the world and even religion would not be a fair assessment of me.

I believe in God and I talk to him every day. I believe in my own spirituality and I paid enough attention to the teachings in the bible to know how to interpret right from wrong. Eventually things will click and I will experience or see something that will put it all together for me and I hope it happens like that. I don't want to attend mass for years walking through the motions and checking off church on Sunday like a chore we do on the weekends. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations, but I want my time in life to matter. I know that I could be more giving of my time to the church, but I personally would rather give that time to my family and not a room full of people who might treat church like a chore. When I go, I'm looking for some religious nourishment and not to win a perfect attendance award or turn it into a social gathering. I talk to a lot of people for a living, so there is not a need for me to join in afterwards for coffee I don't drink or donuts that I don't eat because I'm a type 2 diabetic.

Time will tell. This is not an attempt to discourage others from attending church on Sunday or a campaign to get people to see things my way. I do feel religion is important and you need to have a belief in something greater in life. I need to believe that there is a bigger and greater purpose for my brothers and they were brought home for a reason (My brother Michael is probably telling stories and entertaining others from the stage and Jimmy is probably throwing TDs for the Heaven football team Haha). When I attend service, I'm looking and hoping to take something away from the words being spoken and I will hold out hope that one day the questions I have will be answered. Till then, I will #Tryharder to attend mass on Sundays.

Maybe you could do the same?

#Tryharder

It happens at some point in your life when you have to come to the realization that the things your parents put you through didn't kill you. What was embarrassing or disastrous to you at a young age, would come back to teach you a lesson at some point later in life; even if the initial intention wasn't to teach you a life lesson.

You have to go through some form of struggle early in life if you are going to have any realistic perspective as you grow older. All the times my parents told me to "toughen up" as a kid has paid dividends in my adult life and has provided me a more realistic perspective as an adult. Unless the sky is actually falling, then the sky is never really falling in my world. Not something you realize till you get older, but things have a way of working themselves out. They still might be tough pills to swallow, but they won't kill you.

You will also learn that those "toughen up" moments provide for great storylines and even better cocktail party style ice breakers. Telling a story about how you showered outside for 3 months in a homemade shower stall you built in a grouping of trees at age 16, because you were living in the house as it was being built, is far more interesting than how much money you lost in the stock market last week. Disagree? Come to the next party I'm invited to and watch me connect with a room. Real pain, life experience, emotions and embarrassment conveyed in a matter of fact and comical way bridges the communication gap better than superficial life experiences that are void of any true emotion. Showering outside is way more interesting than buying Bank of America stock. Just don't tell these stories as if you are looking for sympathy, but rather showing how strong you are and your ability to overcome while keeping a smile on your face the entire time. People can relate, yet at the same time have a healthy curiosity about the things they most likely have no experience with. Have you showered outside for 3 months? Probably not, but I bet you have questions as to why and how. "How did you heat up the water" and "how much water does it take to shower" are usually the first two questions that come up.   Nothing against the stock market, but life experience trumps financial conversations. Looking back it wasn't that bad, but as a 16 year old kid, it kept me from inviting friends or dates over to the house. It was the end of the world back then, but now just fodder for ice breakers and jumping points in chapters and blogs.

Stand-up comedians are not looking for your sympathy when they are on stage, instead they are looking for a connection. They are using a relatable feeling or experience to hook you into a story and then twist and turn you into laughing at the pauses along the way. If they stood up on stage and told you a sad story, all you would feel is sympathy and nobody wants to hang out with that person. It's one thing to tell a crowd of people that your parents used to spank you, it's another thing to paint and illustrate an elaborate comical story on the ordeal that most of us can relate to, but laugh at. When you are trying to connect with a room, people are not attracted to the sad sack. They like the person that took a moment and grew from it. Most of us were spanked, so we can relate and the comedian can use that as a jumping point for a string of jokes.

This is not a chapter about how to hide your feelings or bury the guilt and pain from your childhood, it's about realizing that all of us need to go through some "stuff" in life in order to come out on the other side stronger and wiser. Tell me a story about a strong person you know and I would wager that they dealt with some pain or had to overcome something to get there. I use my experiences to tell stories that I can share with the people that read my writings. I don't believe I've had a tougher life than anyone else, nor do I seek out sympathy for what I have experienced. I tell my stories so that I can relate and connect with others in the cocktail party of life.

#Tryharder to understand that you are often put through the wringer today so that you are better equipped to handle something later on in life. Know that we are all connected somehow and that you may need to experience something so that someone else can learn from it too. I often journal my experiences and takeaways as reminders of what I've learned from these moments. Maybe on day my children will read these offerings and it helps them cope with something in their lives too. Embrace your bumps in life and realize they were put there to make you stronger and wiser. They were put there as a stepping stone to something possibly more complex later in life or as a moment to pull from that would allow you to connect with others that may need those words or wisdom in their life.

You never know who you might help today.

Unless I am sick as a dog, I haven't slept past 7am on any day of the week, since maybe college? The internal alarm clock in my body goes off and the light switch in my head turns on and there is no going back. I'm awake. No matter how tired I may be from the day before or how bad I probably could use the extra sleep, there is no stopping my body from powering up. I'm honestly pretty robotic. It's Saturday and I'm awake at 6:15am. I usually wake up at 5:30am. I slept in?

I pop and crackle as I stretch out the kinks in my body from the strange sleep positions I contorted into while being down for usually 6-7 hours each night and I can sometimes feel every year of my age as I sit up and take the first steps of my day. My brain is in control of the machine and my brain wants to get going.

I don't drink coffee or any other "upper" in the morning. In all honesty, I've had fewer cups of coffee in my life than years lived. I'm a morning person, but I don’t accompany this routine with any form of stimulants and the only fluid I consume would be water. If you send me to Starbucks to get you anything, you better write it down because I am completely lost in that place. I know as much about ordering coffee as I do building a rocket ship. I've been to Starbucks and I enjoy ordering as much as the baristas enjoy walking me through the steps it takes to order. Want to see a grown man talked down to like a child? Sit down, log into the free Wi-Fi and watch me order. I am sure it is comical to the overpriced coffee drinking hipsters at Starbucks.

It's not a competition for me. I don't need to prove to anyone how much I can accomplish with the least amount of sleep or show the world that I am better because I'm awake earlier. It really boils down to one thing for me.

I don't want to miss a thing.

(Cue Aerosmith)

I want to suck the marrow out of the world and digest as much as I can while I am here. I'm not talking about climbing the Alps or going on a grand safari in Africa, those things would be nice; I'm talking about not missing an opportunity to be a part of it all. To consume the things and the people around me. To just be there. To witness and often contribute. It's not about being the early bird or being the worm, but to be a part of it when it all goes down. I don't have a fear of missing out, but I do have a fear of wasted moments.

When my younger brother died at age 8 (I was 11) my brain flipped a switch and the seed was planted that I needed to not live a wasted life. That I need to contribute, be a part of it all and consume the moments, people and opportunities. I need to matter to the people in my life. Due to a car accident, Jimmy wasn't given a chance to see beyond his first 8 years, so the desire to really live became increasingly important to me. I needed to honor him by not becoming a waste of flesh and bone, but to matter and not miss those opportunities to matter. When Michael passed, my older brother who died a few years ago, I was hit in the head with a tragic reminder that I needed to keep my foot on the accelerator and stick to the promise that I made to myself at age 11. Yeah, some kids were just discovering the opposite sex, while I was plotting out my importance and how I was going to live the rest of my life.

(Cue 5 for Fighting "100 years").

So the first person to greet me this morning as I walked into the kitchen was my 6 year old son Sean. Holding his "woobie" and a few other stuffed animals, he joined me in the living room and we hugged for a while and talked about the things that go on in the head of a 6 year old boy. (Mostly video game stuff). I hugged him tightly and soaked it all in as we rocked back and forth on the love seat. I most likely won't say this about my kids when they get older, but at 9 and 6, I love how they smell. It not only reminds me of my childhood, but I equate the smell to love and my heart fills. Sucking the marrow out of the moment and just digesting the love. This may sound strange to many who are reading this, but I believe most parents will understand.

Today, the reason I woke up and got out of bed was because there was a little boy that I needed to spend a few minutes with on the couch. I needed to matter to him and he certainly matters to me.

#Tryharder to matter in the moments we are given and to those who matter to us.

Throughout my entire childhood my dad preached to be less like him and more of my own person. To work smarter and use my brain more than my body. To not follow in his occupational footsteps. Sound familiar?

Most people want their kids or the next generation to do something different and perhaps easier than what they have had to endure. They (should) want more for the next group and perceive their job or life as harder than and perhaps not as rewarding as what lies ahead for the next generation.

My dad has probably said he hates his job more times than days I've been alive. He fights with his work and battles it with his mind and body. Like a dysfunctional relationship, the two of them (dad and work) can't seem to quit each other. What does my dad still do, two years after he could have retired and the only job he has had since he was seventeen? He runs commercial construction. He builds large buildings and does it very well. He must; he's been doing it successfully for over 50 years and is one of the most respected people in his field.

He wakes up at 4am and always arrives to the job site before 7am. He drives over 100 miles a day to and from these jobs. He takes blue prints home and studies them ahead of time as if he is cramming for a huge test. This same man that claims to hate his job. This same profession that he could have retired from more than 2 years ago.

Here's where it all unraveled for me...

A few months ago my parents came up to do some shopping and go out to dinner. My dad, son Sean and I went to go to the bathroom in this restaurant before we sat down to eat lunch. As we walked in, my dad stopped and looked up, whereas I headed to the urinal with my 5 year old son. As I am pissing, I look back at my dad as he continues to survey this area above the sinks. He then goes to the urinal and minutes later, as we are all washing our hands, I ask him "What's with the ceiling"? His response-"I like how they did the overhang there. I've not seen that before. That would have been kind of fun to build. It's different".

This man, who has hated and fought with his vocation for over 50 years now, just said (for what might be the first time in my life), that something attached to his profession was "fun".

I spent my spring breaks, summer breaks, winter breaks and occasional weekends working for this man. While all my friends were flipping burgers or enjoying their time off, I was hanging drywall, installing insulation and framing out walls with metal studs. Never do I recall him claiming that any of this was fun. As a matter of fact, if I was ever having fun, he would find ways of making sure I stopped having it immediately. Fun and work were opposites and not something you did together when you worked for "Big" Jim.

So there it was. The thing that kept him coming back for more all these years. The thing that kept it interesting and worthwhile. Often in dysfunctional relationships people stay together because "the sex is good"; my dad likes the challenge of doing something different. Building and creating something new. This is what has kept him coming back for more.

Isn't that what keeps us all coming back for more? When it comes to the things that you love or turn you on, you want more. You want it to be exciting and different. You don't have to have a vision, a midlife crisis or a career change every few years to keep the juices going, but you do need a change of pace, a new outlet to poor energy into or a challenge.

These challenges are not always presented to you and sometimes you need to create them for yourself. You have to move and direct your energies so that things don't become stale and mundane. You have to break things, mess with the recipe and challenge yourself to replicate successes and outcomes, but your point of origin could be different. This is how you master your craft or outlet. This is how you keep yourself energized and coming back for more 50 years after you started.

#Tryharder to apply this philosophy to other things besides your occupation. Relationships don't need drama to stay fresh and exciting, they need oxygen and materials to burn. Look for ways to breathe new air into your relationships before they become stale and mundane. Find new timbers and fuel to use and endlessly and tirelessly work at it. This is for all relationships, not just romantic ones. I've been with the same girl for almost 18 years and it's not because we found a groove and stayed in it. It's because we look for new ways to execute the things we enjoy and try not to repeat behaviors unless we both feel that it's the best possibly way at this moment in time. We've been to Disney World 10 times and we do it differently every time. We attempt to always keep our tourist curiosity in the cities we have lived in and enjoy playing guide to our friends from out of town. Comfort zones are for the lazy, but I would be lying if I didn't say they had their appeal.

Using this perspective will surely create new turn-ons, passions and catalysts that keep you coming back for more. It will help you make the best of your situation and perhaps create those sparks that keep you from going postal in a job you've "hated" for 50 or more years. When the environment doesn't provide the opportunity then create your own new and ignite your own spark with a change of fuel and sometimes scenery.

Have you heard of The Moth podcast? It's one of the few podcasts that I listen to. Actually, upon review, it might be the only podcast I actively listen to? (I need to get out more I guess). I have a few others that I download, but rarely consume and usually just delete to make space on my phone. I'm sure that's what people do with my podcast, but thanks anyway for at least acknowledging it. (If you care, go to iTunes and look for Chase Patrick Murphy). If you read this blog and listen to podcasts, feel free to share with me a podcast you think I should check out.

Anyway, The Moth is a podcast about real life stories that are told by the people that lived them. The Moth travels around the world and brings random people up on stage, sometimes from the audience, to tell their stories. It's like an open mic night for stories and not comedy or karaoke. One of the ways you can get on the podcast is to call them and leave a message on their automated phone line. If they like what they hear, they contact you back and invite you to tell your story in front of a crowd. I auditioned once on the phone line to tell them the story of the origin and backstory behind my first book Pull the Trigger and they never called me back. I suck I guess?

Most of the podcasts are about lost relatives, people going through some sort of defining moment and the rest of the time it's a collection of gay or transgender people talking about coming out or going under the knife. I relate better with the ones about personal loss and coping since I'm not gay or surgically altered. To each their own.

There was a story about a man that is living with regret from a simple moment in his life. His story was very relatable and it easily pulled, into my memory, a few moments in my life where I could have said or done the "right" thing and didn't. The man told a story of regret and how he was selfish in a time where he was given an opportunity not to be. He had decided to be glutinous when there was a family in need that could have used a meal and he turned their request down. He chose to be selfish when life gave him an opportunity to be kind. He ate two chili cheese hotdogs when he could have shared one with a needy father and son. I'm sure his stomach punished him later for this action.

We have all done it. If you live in a large enough city, you probably pass on several opportunities each day. Driving home, I see at least 2 people standing on the side of the road asking for money. We live in a hardened society where we question everyone's level of need and poverty. We are suspicious of their intentions with our money and we doubt their hard case storyline. We are skeptics and we are upset that they have not taken advantage of the opportunities that we have been given. We perceive that they have had these same opportunities and it angers and keeps us jaded.

I don't want this chapter to be about the homeless. In all honesty, I'm guilty of judging and questioning this group of people. I'm jaded by the world just as much as you are and always wonder how they would spend the money. Each year, I count the amount of tax money that leaves my pocket annually and a portion of it is supposedly funneled into programs to prevent me from rolling my widow down and handing someone loose change. Yes, sometime I feel compelled to roll the window down, but maybe not as much as I should.

Truth be told, when it comes to charity, I would prefer to throw my time at it and not my money. I would rather physically do the right thing than to spend and pay my way to a clear conscience. I've asked for canned food for the food bank, I've planted trees, built a house for a needy family, gathered toys for kids, cleaned up several parks and ran a few races in my day. All the while, bringing my kids along to watch and sometimes participate in the process. I don't believe this makes me a better person than those who don't participate or absolves me from being consistently kind in other actions in my day that come without the fanfare of a campaign like a food drive or a 5K race.

You don't need to feed the homeless or drill a well in South Africa for a village in order to be a good or accomplished person. Charity opportunities present themselves every day without the fanfare of a campaign or a picture that you later post on social media. Yes, you can be charitable without taking a selfie of you dropping a canned good in a box. You also need to refrain from being competitive because why else would you share it with your social media friends? There is a difference in raising awareness and trolling for Facebook likes.

Still do all the big offerings when you can, but #Tryharder to contribute your time to the people and things in your life that could truly gain from it. Never pass up a mentorship moment or a teaching opportunity. Hear someone out that needs a sounding board and remember you don't have to say something or fix their problems; just being an ear may be all they need. Be charitable in your daily routine and give back when you can. Again, you don't need to be a part of a grand campaign in order to ease you conscience and feel better about your place in the universe. You can be giving without touching your purse or wallet.

As a guy who talks and writes for a living, I spend most of my time listening. Be charitable and giving of your time, but also be sensitive to your own needs as well (this is something I am still struggling with).

Give as you live and not just when you are asked.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine was having a conversation with his wife about people in their collective lives and they challenged each other to associate each friend with one word that best describes that person. Somewhere in the conversation my name came up and my friend, of over 15 years, had to decide on what word to use for me.

You might be doing this right now with your list of friends as you read the words I wrote for this chapter. Eventually, you are going to get around to attempting to imagine what people would say about you. (It always comes back to "you"). You want to make sure you are projecting the right image of what you hope people say about you. Deep down inside we all think we are good people and would hope that would be recognized by the people in our lives. Nobody wants their word to be "douchebag".

As my friend was telling me about his conversation with his wife and building up to the eventual adjective that he used to describe me, I was waiting, almost with Christmas-like anticipation on what the word was going to be! It's all about me! I don't really know how people perceive me, but I hope that the majority of my interactions with others are positive. I hope my overall vibe and energy is not misunderstood by others and I am projecting the ideal image of myself. As someone who challenges himself and others to always try to do the right thing; if the wrong word was to be attached to me I would feel a little deflated and question myself and my actions. Not that perceptions should rattle you, but those you are close to in your life should be able to have a true descriptor.

The word he used was "selfless".

It's a good word. It means I'm not a bad person. It means my parents did a good job of pointing me in the right direction and showing me that there is more to life than "me". Or did they? Was this adjective a product of self-discovery and a desire to live a certain way or something learned from the influences around me? Who knows? Probably all of those things were factors. All I know is that I welcome this word and would hope that others see this adjective in me.

I've written about this topic before, but only from the position of me wanting to project a certain word into the world and its perception of me. My word is "great". I want to be better than good, but not as pretentious as amazing or some other word that would be potentially unattainable. Great at being a dad, husband, son, brother and friend. Great at certain things, but humble enough to realize that I still have to work on some things no matter how good I get. To live my life with an attitude of a B+ or A- grade and having something to always work towards. Great allows you to stay hungry and never really rest because that is the kind of person I want to be. Tirelessly in the pursuit of being more.

Selfless is a great word. It really is. Although I am probably just as selfish as the next person, I can acknowledge the fact that I have done some things in my life that are pretty selfless. Not always because I wanted to, but mostly because it was the right thing to do. I've probably missed out on opportunities or accomplishments because I have taken a step back and done what I think was the right thing to do. I have certainly patted myself on the back for a lot of things in life, but that's probably because I am not comfortable with praise from others and it's easier and more digestible just to elevate myself before anyone else can embarrass me with praise. Real talk. Something I am working on as part of my betterment.

So what's your word? I'm putting this out there so you don't have to ask others what they think of you. I'm planting this #Tryharder opportunity into your brain and the brains of the people you share this chapter with. You don't want to go around asking people what they think of you because you will never get the true answer. It comes across as forceful if you do. My friend volunteered this information to me and brought the topic to me. If you put others on the spot you will get sarcastic answers or only praise and not the true descriptor. Yet, deep down inside, you want to know. This way you can possibly adjust your behavior and get real with yourself or feel a comfort knowing that you are headed in the right direction of perception and maybe even the truth. If they are true friends, they will share this information without you asking.

I'm putting this feeling or vibe or exercise out into the world, depending how you see it, and maybe it comes back to you. Maybe you could do this drill with your family and close friends? Probably not the most fun of party games, but certainly a guy check and an excuse to tell the people in your life how you feel about them. Words coming from the close people in your life, good or bad, are the ones we give the most weight.

When you project or share with the world and "put things out there" they somehow come back to you. You emote negativity, it comes back to you twofold and positive does the same. This isn't about feeding your ego, this is about getting a read on what you are projecting into the world and consultation on your journey. Connecting the dots between who you are and who you want to be.