#Tryharder

Every year, for my birthday, my father in law sends me cash in a card. This is what grandparents do for grandkids and this is what my father in law does for me. I guess I prefer he send me money opposed to some odd gift or cologne that I would never wear. He usually waits till Christmas to send those things.

This year, he sent me $100. Where $20 would have been fine and often my gift in the past, he stepped up this year and gifted large! Such a generous gift from the grandfather of my children and a man that I have grown to love and become good friends with over the 18 years we have been in each other's lives. He may be odd, crazy, hard of hearing and often times a "damned fool", but I do love the man for how he loves my kids as well as having a hand in creating the mother of my children and the chick I share a bed with.

What to do with $100?

He sent it early in the month as to ensure that it arrived in plenty of time for me to spend on myself for my birthday. I pulled it out of the card and tried to give it to my wife to just throw in the bank. She pressed me to just put it in my wallet and pushed that this was a gift and it's not to be used on bills. So there it sat, in my wallet, making me feel guilty every time I looked at it.

I am, without a doubt, terrible about spending money on myself. Every piece of clothing I own was purchased by my wife and most of the time I was not there to tell her "no" when she bought it. I don't go a lot of places alone because those things take away from my wife and kid time and they usually cost money. The bottles of liquor that sit in the cabinet are bottles that were gifted to me over the years or things my wife had won playing Bunco or something. My 65 Chevy truck was purchased with money that my wife saved from extreme coupon collecting because she knew that I would never take our own money to make such a luxury purchase. I don't do “me” time and I am terrible at spending money on myself.

I don't really know what this stems from. I am not writing this chapter to sell myself as some kind of Saint or martyr and I don't think it's some sort of insecurity, although there is probably some head-shrink term for it. My mom is very much the same way, so perhaps it is based on the product of my upbringing. My dad would occasionally splurge on something and he would then force my mother to get something for herself-much like the way my wife does to me.

I am a man that wants many things in life, but needs very little. The things that I believe I need are things that often cannot be bought and have no real monitory value. My happiness and security is not based on items purchased, but rather the pulse of the feelings of the important people in my life. If my flock is happy-I am happy.

Trust this-if I win the lottery tomorrow I will be writing my next chapter about all the dumb stuff I bought for myself. I am only human and that is to be expected.

So for two weeks that picture of Ben Franklin stared at me. For two weeks the weight of an impending purchase kept pushing on my shoulders. For two weeks that $100 reminded me that eventually I was going to have to spend it on something for me and it made me feel more guilt than you could ever imagine. If I had just made my wife take it, I could have just washed my hands of it and kissed it goodbye. There it sat, burning a hole of guilt and anxiety, in my pocket. (You're reading this going "dude, just send it to me! I'll find a use for it".).

After two weeks it came to me what I needed to do. The only way it would bring me any sort of joy or closure was that it needed to be spent on the people that I love. My flock. My family. There were two items my kids kept asking about and they totaled almost exactly $100 in price. So, I went shopping.

My kids are my everything and they are the only people in this world that I never feel guilty doing anything for. If this money was not allowed to be put in the bank, then the kids were going to be the recipients of gifts because I just didn't feel comfortable spending it on myself, knowing that my children had a list of wants. Watching them enjoy these gifts gives me more satisfaction than anything I could have ever bought for myself and the best part, these gifts created activities we could do as a family.

The money and guilt lasted two weeks and I have no regrets on the purchases I made. If I would have bought something for me, I would have certainly experienced remorse and further guilt. I don't know why I feel this way, but I assure you it is not based on a lack of confidence or belief in myself. Maybe Catholic guilt?

Those two weeks taught me that I need to become more comfortable with doing things for me. I need to #Tryharder to give myself a break and stop storing up on undeserved guilt and needless anxiety. I need to accept that I am deserving of an occasional splurge and to let go of the self-created pressure that comes with doing certain things for myself. I have to think that it causes the people in my life, especially my wife, guilt from pampering themselves knowing that I would never do the same and that is not fair. If you are like me, then you too should #Tryharder to give yourself an occasional break.

Whenever I feel like I need a shot in that arm, albeit a need for a boost of confidence, knowledge, or just a reminder or refresher on something I'm struggling with, I buy a book.

Most of the books I read are based in betterment. "How to be a better..." (Fill in the blank) kind of stuff. I don't always read the book all the way through and many of the books I just pull out whatever I need at the moment from the guidance provided in the pages and apply it to the situation.  I do also enjoy cookbooks because they provide guidance and ingredients.  I don't love novels or books that don't provide my brain knowledge. I will probably never read a Harry Potter book, but because of my wife and 9 year old daughter, I've seen all the movies.

Although I love a good quote or sound bite, it's rarely about that when it comes to what I take away from these pages. Sometimes you need a 20 page pep talk that gives you that kick in the ass to help get you through something or help to apply needed perspective and sometimes you need to read the whole book and just marinate on the words provided.

Book chapters help you get through chapters in your life and sometimes, just like any point of reference in life, you need to revisit the pages of a particular book as a reminder of where you need to start or start over. If you are wondering if I have read the bible, the answer is yes. However, I have never actually read it cover to cover. I have consumed the words and the teachings over the years, but I have never consumed it all at one time or as part of a book binge. Most likely, it is something I will do before I die.

We live in a blurb, blog and podcast society. We are Twitter readers and crave some sort of knowledge or quick understanding. We don't have time to wait till page 256 to get to the point of education. This is why all of my books are done on chapters that end up being around 1000 words. That, and I don't think I can stretch any of my stories of life experiences out any farther than that. My blogs and chapters don't require too much dialogue and there is never a soap opera storyline with a hunky Christian Grey character. Besides, if I would write romance novels, they would last 5 minutes...just ask my wife. "They made love during the commercial break and then he passed out as she began to tell him about what happen in the school pickup line"...just isn't romantic enough to make a movie out of.

Never look for a Hail Mary when it comes to books or life. Books will give you a launching point and perspective, but unless it's a book that tells you step by step how to build something (make sure to buy an Allen wrench) they rarely provide a timeline on how to live your life. I was reading this one book that got bad reviews from people on Amazon because it didn't give readers a list of steps or instructions on how to be better people. That's subjective. Also, it's called "self-help". That means you use these words to help yourself. The millennial society is looking for the abridged answer to life's mysteries and they only want to fast forward to the good parts, as if the book was on their personal DVR. The book and the author don't know what you need fixed in your life and they don't know about the obstacles that have been place, or you have placed, in front of you to get to this point in life where you need help.

Your timeline is your timeline. Your life is your life. You live by your rules and roadblocks and not the framework of pages crammed into something printed and later purchases at Barnes and Noble or online from Amazon. I have read books and then months later the information finally clicks. A current moment finally clicked and the knowledge from months prior could finally be applied and then used for guidance.

This goes beyond the teachings of books-think bigger.

Take mental notes in your life. Life tests you and those notes you took, and hopefully consumed in an honest way, may finally give you a platform for application. #Tryharder to be perceptive and have the patience to utilize your takeaways later on down the road (Be prepared!  That could be years!). There is no true timeline and your mental DVR won't delete this knowledge based on a specific date as long as you continue to work on applying it.

No grouping of words will ever change your life, but the investment in those words will.