Have you heard of The Moth podcast? It's one of the few podcasts that I listen to. Actually, upon review, it might be the only podcast I actively listen to? (I need to get out more I guess). I have a few others that I download, but rarely consume and usually just delete to make space on my phone. I'm sure that's what people do with my podcast, but thanks anyway for at least acknowledging it. (If you care, go to iTunes and look for Chase Patrick Murphy). If you read this blog and listen to podcasts, feel free to share with me a podcast you think I should check out.
Anyway, The Moth is a podcast about real life stories that are told by the people that lived them. The Moth travels around the world and brings random people up on stage, sometimes from the audience, to tell their stories. It's like an open mic night for stories and not comedy or karaoke. One of the ways you can get on the podcast is to call them and leave a message on their automated phone line. If they like what they hear, they contact you back and invite you to tell your story in front of a crowd. I auditioned once on the phone line to tell them the story of the origin and backstory behind my first book Pull the Trigger and they never called me back. I suck I guess?
Most of the podcasts are about lost relatives, people going through some sort of defining moment and the rest of the time it's a collection of gay or transgender people talking about coming out or going under the knife. I relate better with the ones about personal loss and coping since I'm not gay or surgically altered. To each their own.
There was a story about a man that is living with regret from a simple moment in his life. His story was very relatable and it easily pulled, into my memory, a few moments in my life where I could have said or done the "right" thing and didn't. The man told a story of regret and how he was selfish in a time where he was given an opportunity not to be. He had decided to be glutinous when there was a family in need that could have used a meal and he turned their request down. He chose to be selfish when life gave him an opportunity to be kind. He ate two chili cheese hotdogs when he could have shared one with a needy father and son. I'm sure his stomach punished him later for this action.
We have all done it. If you live in a large enough city, you probably pass on several opportunities each day. Driving home, I see at least 2 people standing on the side of the road asking for money. We live in a hardened society where we question everyone's level of need and poverty. We are suspicious of their intentions with our money and we doubt their hard case storyline. We are skeptics and we are upset that they have not taken advantage of the opportunities that we have been given. We perceive that they have had these same opportunities and it angers and keeps us jaded.
I don't want this chapter to be about the homeless. In all honesty, I'm guilty of judging and questioning this group of people. I'm jaded by the world just as much as you are and always wonder how they would spend the money. Each year, I count the amount of tax money that leaves my pocket annually and a portion of it is supposedly funneled into programs to prevent me from rolling my widow down and handing someone loose change. Yes, sometime I feel compelled to roll the window down, but maybe not as much as I should.
Truth be told, when it comes to charity, I would prefer to throw my time at it and not my money. I would rather physically do the right thing than to spend and pay my way to a clear conscience. I've asked for canned food for the food bank, I've planted trees, built a house for a needy family, gathered toys for kids, cleaned up several parks and ran a few races in my day. All the while, bringing my kids along to watch and sometimes participate in the process. I don't believe this makes me a better person than those who don't participate or absolves me from being consistently kind in other actions in my day that come without the fanfare of a campaign like a food drive or a 5K race.
You don't need to feed the homeless or drill a well in South Africa for a village in order to be a good or accomplished person. Charity opportunities present themselves every day without the fanfare of a campaign or a picture that you later post on social media. Yes, you can be charitable without taking a selfie of you dropping a canned good in a box. You also need to refrain from being competitive because why else would you share it with your social media friends? There is a difference in raising awareness and trolling for Facebook likes.
Still do all the big offerings when you can, but #Tryharder to contribute your time to the people and things in your life that could truly gain from it. Never pass up a mentorship moment or a teaching opportunity. Hear someone out that needs a sounding board and remember you don't have to say something or fix their problems; just being an ear may be all they need. Be charitable in your daily routine and give back when you can. Again, you don't need to be a part of a grand campaign in order to ease you conscience and feel better about your place in the universe. You can be giving without touching your purse or wallet.
As a guy who talks and writes for a living, I spend most of my time listening. Be charitable and giving of your time, but also be sensitive to your own needs as well (this is something I am still struggling with).
Give as you live and not just when you are asked.
A few weeks ago a friend of mine was having a conversation with his wife about people in their collective lives and they challenged each other to associate each friend with one word that best describes that person. Somewhere in the conversation my name came up and my friend, of over 15 years, had to decide on what word to use for me.
You might be doing this right now with your list of friends as you read the words I wrote for this chapter. Eventually, you are going to get around to attempting to imagine what people would say about you. (It always comes back to "you"). You want to make sure you are projecting the right image of what you hope people say about you. Deep down inside we all think we are good people and would hope that would be recognized by the people in our lives. Nobody wants their word to be "douchebag".
As my friend was telling me about his conversation with his wife and building up to the eventual adjective that he used to describe me, I was waiting, almost with Christmas-like anticipation on what the word was going to be! It's all about me! I don't really know how people perceive me, but I hope that the majority of my interactions with others are positive. I hope my overall vibe and energy is not misunderstood by others and I am projecting the ideal image of myself. As someone who challenges himself and others to always try to do the right thing; if the wrong word was to be attached to me I would feel a little deflated and question myself and my actions. Not that perceptions should rattle you, but those you are close to in your life should be able to have a true descriptor.
The word he used was "selfless".
It's a good word. It means I'm not a bad person. It means my parents did a good job of pointing me in the right direction and showing me that there is more to life than "me". Or did they? Was this adjective a product of self-discovery and a desire to live a certain way or something learned from the influences around me? Who knows? Probably all of those things were factors. All I know is that I welcome this word and would hope that others see this adjective in me.
I've written about this topic before, but only from the position of me wanting to project a certain word into the world and its perception of me. My word is "great". I want to be better than good, but not as pretentious as amazing or some other word that would be potentially unattainable. Great at being a dad, husband, son, brother and friend. Great at certain things, but humble enough to realize that I still have to work on some things no matter how good I get. To live my life with an attitude of a B+ or A- grade and having something to always work towards. Great allows you to stay hungry and never really rest because that is the kind of person I want to be. Tirelessly in the pursuit of being more.
Selfless is a great word. It really is. Although I am probably just as selfish as the next person, I can acknowledge the fact that I have done some things in my life that are pretty selfless. Not always because I wanted to, but mostly because it was the right thing to do. I've probably missed out on opportunities or accomplishments because I have taken a step back and done what I think was the right thing to do. I have certainly patted myself on the back for a lot of things in life, but that's probably because I am not comfortable with praise from others and it's easier and more digestible just to elevate myself before anyone else can embarrass me with praise. Real talk. Something I am working on as part of my betterment.
So what's your word? I'm putting this out there so you don't have to ask others what they think of you. I'm planting this #Tryharder opportunity into your brain and the brains of the people you share this chapter with. You don't want to go around asking people what they think of you because you will never get the true answer. It comes across as forceful if you do. My friend volunteered this information to me and brought the topic to me. If you put others on the spot you will get sarcastic answers or only praise and not the true descriptor. Yet, deep down inside, you want to know. This way you can possibly adjust your behavior and get real with yourself or feel a comfort knowing that you are headed in the right direction of perception and maybe even the truth. If they are true friends, they will share this information without you asking.
I'm putting this feeling or vibe or exercise out into the world, depending how you see it, and maybe it comes back to you. Maybe you could do this drill with your family and close friends? Probably not the most fun of party games, but certainly a guy check and an excuse to tell the people in your life how you feel about them. Words coming from the close people in your life, good or bad, are the ones we give the most weight.
When you project or share with the world and "put things out there" they somehow come back to you. You emote negativity, it comes back to you twofold and positive does the same. This isn't about feeding your ego, this is about getting a read on what you are projecting into the world and consultation on your journey. Connecting the dots between who you are and who you want to be.