You are in control of your options. Learning another craft, vocation or hobby gives you options. Some people don't know their options in dating till they go outside of their comfort zone or "type ". Dating older or younger, different races or people that you don't imagine yourself with, gives you more options.
People get divorced because they want more options. A big negative side of that one is when they realize their new options might not be as great as what they had with the old set of options. Yet, in order to know what you like or what you think you want, you may have to cross that line. I worked with a guy who was married, but his wife gave him options. I don't get that one and have a hard time understanding how that was good for either of them. The guy had options and his options led him to divorce. So perhaps not all options should be in the table. Especially if the other person (in his case, his wife) wasn't granted those same options.
When it comes to my relationship with my wife, I LOVE my options. Although, I would love to petition to the courts (her) that we could make having sex ONLY once a week and on Sunday an option. Some of us (me) would be down for an additional "optional" day. How about Wednesday? That's a perfectly fine day! Not much on TV either... Just saying. I kid I kid... (Married people are laughing)
You ever see the press releases that go out that say so and so left their job to "explore other options". I always wonder if that was because they truly wanted to branch out and try another job or career path; or were they were forced out and pushed to explore other options, because their old option was no longer available to them?
Life gives you plenty of options and anyone who forces themselves into a corner or a niche in life is afraid of options. They would prefer to fall back on excuses that are stemmed from inadequacies, confidence, fear or a desire to avoid inconveniences than explore their options. We've all made up stories based on excuses on why we decided to limit our options.
Steve Martin's character in the movie Parenthood felt that his whole life was a "have to". He was stressed out by the limitations he set upon himself by the choices he made in life. I always liked that movie, so I thought I would work it into this blog somehow.
How many people really wanted to go to the prom alone? Honestly. Fear of rejection prevented you from asking someone out. There were always options when it came to people to ask. Yet, sometimes people procrastinate and their options became someone they didn't want to be seen with in a picture for the rest of their lives. (Your hot cousin from another town could have been an option? Nobody would have known!).
Regardless if it's curiosity, personal growth, accident or force of hand; it is important to actively try to grow through options. If you are at a dinner and someone else is buying, then try something new. If you don't like it, you didn't pay for it. Next time you get hit on by someone who might not be your "type", say yes. Then make them pay for the new food you are trying. (See what I did there?)
Explore your options. Say yes. Try something new. By exploring your options your curiosity gets healthier and so do you. When you open up your options and abilities, you grow. By confirming you don't like something, then you can mark it off the list and close the door; giving yourself more time to focus on your more favorable options.
There is a reason why you can order a martini 100 different ways. (Me? Bombay Sapphire gin, dirty, up, 3 olives). Options. Everyone has a different favorite for a reason. Life's too short for limitation for the sake of limitations. Get out of your comfort zone and try something new.
I'm not a fan of lip service. If you mean something, then say it. If you don't really mean it, then shut up and move on.
The popular John Mayer song "say what you need to say" was probably the easiest song ever written. Think about it, the song basically says the title over and over again, 83 times, with little to no other words between. Pretty genius. John made a lot of money off of those 6 words and I'm not hating. The man is rich and gets to see Katy Perry naked anytime he wants to. Props.
In my single days in college, my first roommate gave me some advice about dating. He was older and had 2 years of college under his belt, so I perceived he knew what he was talking about when it came to the ladies. He told me to "always tell these females what's up. Don't play games". While other guys were out there telling girls what they wanted to hear, he taught me to tell them what they needed to hear. The truth. I used his advice with dating and I continue to use it in my personal and professional life.
Say what you need to say. Mean what you say. Do what you say you are going to do and you will be respected by others (in theory). They may hate the fact that you aren't offering to help out or telling them what they want to hear, but they should respect the fact that you didn't lie or lead them on. The girls didn't always like hearing that there were other girls or that I wasn't in love with them, but they all could depend on the fact that I never lied to them in order to gain their affection. If they were led on or led to believe something else, it was due to how they processed the information or how they refused to listen to the clear and consistent message that I delivered to them. Like a Seinfeld episode, it was certainly them, not me.
I would say "I like you. I enjoy your company, but I also enjoy the company of others and I am not ready to be exclusive".
Those looking for something serious or a husband moved on. Those why wanted the same thing stuck around. Simple as that. Stalkers excluded...
When I tell someone that I am there for them or that I am willing to help them in anyway-I mean it. I refuse to waste words or provide lip service just to give someone a false sense of hope. If I don't know the answer or cannot confirm 100% that I am capable of helping out or whatever, I don't lead them on. If I say I will help out or donate money or be there for someone in their time of need, I'm there. I won't say it unless I mean it.
If you know me personally and feel that perhaps I am misleading with my previous statements; then you heard the answer incorrectly and perhaps twisted my words in your head into the answer you wanted to hear. My children hear "not right now" and assume that means "ask again in 10 minutes". In business people don't want to take no for an answer and in dating, the other person might see your desire to not commit as a challenge or an opportunity for them to just "try harder in the relationship". (There's that stalker again!)
Let go. Move on. Don't lie to others or to yourself. Don't tell people shit they want to hear so they won't get angry at you. We are all grownups here, right? If you spend your life telling everyone what they want to hear, you will never express your own true feelings. You will never tell others what you want to say and more often than not, what they need to hear.
Say what you need to say, but most importantly, say what you mean.
Since childhood and throughout your life, you are encouraged to ask questions. I am a father if two small children, so there is no shortage of questions being asked in the Murphy house. Although questions are always encouraged-asking questions isn't the best way to gain knowledge. Listening is far more effective.
I have a friend who hates awkward silence. It's obvious. Whenever there is a lull in any conversation, he starts asking random questions. Lots of questions and almost everything he can think of. I don't think he knows that I have caught onto his crutch, but sometimes just for fun, I will force awkward silence just to watch him squirm and force "noise" into the lull in conversation.
I'm not confident he is learning anything from his questions.
When meeting someone for the first time or attempting to break the ice, it's necessary to ask a few questions to get the conversation flowing. First dates require lots of questions. Client meetings too. Just know when to stop asking and start listening. The smartest person in the room is not always the person doing all the talking. The smartest person is often the person who says nothing for long periods of time, collecting info along the way and then hits the room with the question or statement that takes the conversation to the next level. I don't go out of my way to be this guy, but I do prefer to "win" the meeting as opposed to being the one doing all the talking.
When in a crowded room, airport, etc full of people I tend to stop and take in the conversations around me. A wealth of knowledge can be gained if you stop for a moment and let the ambiance teach you a thing or two. It's not always earth shattering information; sometimes it's just an opportunity to educate myself about the people around me.
Above all, it kills time.
For example-I'm on a plane right now on my way to see Mickey Mouse in Florida. The guy in the row of three seats to my right used to be Michael Winslow's manager. If that name doesn't right a bell, he's the sound effects guy from the Police Academy movies. Anyway, according to his former manager, Michael is a dick and owes him money. I'm not sure if there is a lot to gain with this knowledge, but if I ever meet the actor, I'll be on the lookout for dick-like behavior.
Perhaps not the best example of why you should shut up and listen, but it brings more to the table than talking about the fat guy that's leaning on my armrest, right? What are the odds that he is reading this over my shoulder? If he moves his arm, then it's a win for me. Although the next 90 minutes of this flight might be awkward.
Never mind. He didn't move.
Asking questions is fine and encouraged. Stop and listen to the answers that are given to you before you load up the next question. Above all, know that more knowledge is gained by listening to the world around you, yes even eavesdropping, than you will ever gain by trying to fill the awkward silence with noise.
PS-The elderly couple in front of me are doing a crossword puzzle and the woman just explained to her husband what twerking is. You can't buy this kind of entertainment.