I am 15+ years removed from the world of dating and the thought of being single scares me to death. I didn't have the "tools" of courtship that today's single people possess. Daters today have text messaging, social media, email and more. In order to learn more about the person you are going out with for the first time on Friday; all you have to do is look them up on Facebook and hope they don't have their account set to private.
You can learn a ton of things from just a few minutes of Facebook stalking. Where they go, who they hang out with, what they love, hate, read, watch and does for fun. There is no such thing as a traditional first date anymore because you will get a lot of the basics out of the way from your time online. Years ago, gathering this type of knowledge would get you labeled as a stalker. Today, it's par for the course of dating.
When I was dating, you had to ask around about a girl. You had to be careful, because if you spoke to her friends, they might report back to the girl. Doing this was risky because her friends could really, as we referred to it as in college, "throw salt in your game". Nobody wants salt thrown in their game.
Doing your homework, no matter your tactic, is as important in business as it is with dating. If you can avoid going into a meeting blindly, do it. Having any edge of any kind is important if you are looking to make a connection or an impression. I make new connections all of the time and I do my homework whenever I can. I have also had people do their homework on me. I am surprised how many people read my blog or have checked me out on social media.
Yet, like dating, it's important that you don't come across as if you've done too much homework. Too much makes it look like you've been trying too hard and that can be a negative. Tact is important. Know when to move in for the kiss and when you want to steer the conversation.
Years ago, I was preparing for a meeting with a President of a broadcasting company. He was a big deal in the industry and impressing him could possibly open doors for me down the road. It turns out that I happened to have just read a book that he was very fond us. I took the time to learn a few other little things about him. Enough to keep the small talk going till I could hit him with bigger questions or statements. Without forcing it into the conversation or making it obvious, I quoted the book in one of my answers. He acknowledged the reference with a smile, but never commented. I had made a connection with him. The tone of the conversation went from Q and A to more of just a discussion of two guys on the same level. Just two guys talking about the future of the industry. Two people on a first date that was headed towards a second one. Quoting the book and doing my homework helped to make the connection. It changed my career.
He offered me a job a few weeks later.
Whenever you see an interview with a backup QB, the answer to any questions about their preparation for each week is inevitably answered with this theme..."I practice as if I am the starter and will be ready whenever my team needs me".
Can you really practice as if you are a starter? You won't get the reps that the starter gets nor will you have the opportunity to practice with the team in the same capacity. For the most part, it is a stock answer to a predictable interview question and it represents the statement that people want to hear.
Nobody dreams about being a backup.
Part of waiting for your turn is saying the right stuff. For some, it's going through the motions. For others, it's a time of education and preparation. Anyone that is sitting in the #2 position wants to be #1. Biding your time, being respectful, learning what to say and how to say it is necessary. Arguably, saying the right things is as necessary as having the talent to perform the job.
People can be immediately placed in the starting role and given a list of expectations. It is assumed, since this person is a "winner", they are going to be able to step right in and lead everyone to the promise land. A lot rests on their shoulders and sometimes it's a perfect fit. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes they fail. Not because they are overrated. Maybe it's just timing.
4 U.S. Presidents lost their first bid for President.
Mickey Mantle was brought up from the minors, hit a slump, got overwhelmed by pressure and was sent back to the minors. He almost quit baseball. 40 games later, he was brought back up and the rest is history. Mickey Mantle had a .298 lifetime batting average, hit 536 HRs and is member of the hall of fame.
Bands, after years of playing frat parties, dive bars and street corners suddenly become an "overnight success". When they are selling millions and topping the charts, we quickly forget that these guys were once considered to be talentless losers.
Timing can be everything.
It takes time to become the person you are destined to be. Even if you possess the ability to lead people now, you might have to wait your turn. Some people get the opportunity to lead and fail. Sometimes you don't fail, but your timing wasn't right and you end up working towards a second chance (or quitting).
Playing the part of the backup or taking a step back gives you time to see the mistakes of others and provides you a better grasp of the overall playing field. Use that time to gain knowledge and reflect on what you are seeing. This will help slow down the game and allow you to be more successful than someone who was just blindly thrown into the position.
There is only one true reason to do it and that is to move forward.
In order to climb the ladder in life, sometimes you have to toss someone under the bus and expose a weakness in the chain. If your story is not being told or the truth, as you see it, is not being brought to light, then throwing throwing someone under the bus might be the answer. If another person is blocking the rungs of the ladder that you are prepared to climb, then a challenge needs to be issued. Just be prepared to suffer the consequences if you are defeated. Gut check before you open your mouth.
I played the trombone in school. Chair tryouts occurred and the band director placed you where they saw fit in order from 1st chair (best) to last chair (worst). From time to time there would be a challenge issued and someone from a lower placed chair would battle it out with another musician from a higher chair. Sometimes the underdog won and chair positions changed. The loser was usually embarrassed. If they are competitive they would practice, get better and return the favor to the person who defeated them. This is not retaliation. This is growth. Know the difference!
Why would your career be any different? School is the place you get educated, right? School is what sets you in motion for the rest of your life. If you are reading this and thinking that challenging someones abilities is a terrible thing-then what did you learn in school? Does your industry get better because nobody challenges the next guy on the ladder? Are you more efficient because you are pacified and content with the way things are going while the rest of the world is changing? Isn't life and career about being the best or better at something? (Did I just write almost a whole paragraph in question marks?)
I'm not a bad guy. I'm just keeping it real.
I'm not talking about retaliation. That's something completely different and comes from a shallow and weak place and not derived from honesty or growth. Retaliation is almost always seen for what it is and eventually exposed. Anyone can have a chip in their shoulder because of something someone else did to them (or they perceived was done to them) but is retaliation as sweet as besting someone based on a foundation of personal betterment? Revenge is not as sweet as it is made out to be. Not even close.
Sometimes people are telling the wrong story about you and perception becomes reality. "Perception is reality" is a phrase that's been used for decades and it holds a lot of meaning for those who are complacent and not seeking the truth. If you are perceived as something you are not by your peers, then two things are happening . 1) Your peers are content with the knowledge they have and 2) you are not telling the story you want told. The person telling the story is looking for excuses as much as the person that is willing to hear them.
If you want to BE the best, you gotta BEAT the best! (Insert my wrestling theme music here)
Fighters climb up the ranks. Presidents and CEOs of companies climb the ladder. Middle managers and quarterbacks had to start somewhere. They had to best someone out of a job. You can give yourself fancy titles all day, but actually earning the respect that comes with that title takes dedication. Not only do others need to believe you are capable, but In order to prove that you are worthy of the title or placement, you often have to challenge someone you perceive to be weaker than you. If they are in fact weaker, then they don't necessarily belong in the position. If you don't bounce them out, someone else will. If you stop learning, growing and moving forward, then someone else is prepared to do the same to you.
Sitting in deadlock traffic, something I do twice a day in order to pay the mortgage, my brain started to trigger some funny memories about my brother Michael. So I started to wonder about something....
The other day I realized I had 12 voicemail messages saved on my phone. I wonder if one of them was from him? He was known for leaving epic messages that sometimes were so long that he would get cut off-only to call back and pick up where he left off. In a day and age where we think just calling and seeing your name and number left on the call log is good enough to warrant a return call; my brother would leave long and often meaningless messages. From random inventions, to movie or song ideas, to things his daughter said-my brother left messages.
So I enter my pass code and start to listen back to the messages that were important enough to have been saved on my phone. My friend rapping. Two messages from artists who called me to thank me for playing their songs on one of my radio stations. My actor friend leaving me what I think is a drunk message, but I saved anyway just to possibly embarrass her later. A few others that then got deleted.
As my hopes were at their highest and my longing to hear my brother's deep voice increased...it happened. A 15 month old happy birthday message from my brother and his daughter. As I listened to the words, while sitting in stopped traffic, with tears rolling down my face (much like they are right now) I heard my brothers voice for the first time since March. Sad. Happy. Reassuring. Thankful. Angry. Peaceful. Every damn emotion rolled into one moment as I tried to collect myself; realizing I need to be at work in 10 minutes and I needed to stop before I got to the office. It's not a tuff guy thing. I would just rather not have to explain it to people or have to lie about why my eyes were puffy. "Oh yeah, umm allergies. Sure".
Since his death, I have tried hard not to be down on myself for not taking his calls and letting him go to voicemail. The day before he passed, he called and I didn't answer. He left a message that I deleted an hour after he left it. For once I am happy I did put him to voicemail, because now I have something saved that I can replay whenever the feeling hits me and I need to hear his voice. It's not a lot, but it will do.
Leave messages. Long, crazy, meaningless and possible blackmail fodder messages. Don't be so disconnected from life and people that you allow a missed call on a phone log serve as a message to call you back. We are becoming a less and less personally and emotionally connected world and we dont realize the potential impact or meaning of something like a simple voicemail message. A card is nice and better than nothing. A text, facebook comment or email often comes off cold. Outside of a physical encounter, the sound of a persons voice is still the best way to convey a message.
Leave a message.
Better yet, pick up the phone when someone calls.