I was having a somewhat serious phone conversation with a friend of mine the other morning. He is currently going through a career reinvention and asked me an interesting question. If you know me or have read any of my blogs, you can deduce that I am a pretty positive person. Regardless of my direction or path, the end result is always focused on getting positive results and learning something along the way. Sure, I might be sarcastic in my approach, but the overall tone is always positive.
His questions? What was my defining moment?
Not a light topic or question. Not something that can be answered without a moment of thought and reflection. I paused for a few seconds and went into my response. I cannot remember what I said word for word, but I will paraphrase what I know to be true about my life.
I have never been the most talented, the smartest or the best. I have never considered myself to be better than anyone or above anything. No level of accomplishment in my life has ever earned me the right to be anyone or anything other than who I am. I have always felt, that if I out hustle everyone else, work harder, read more, absorb as much as possible, out prepare and share my knowledge with others....I would be successful in my endeavors. Yes, like everyone else, I am competitive, but mostly with myself and not others. This isn't just something that I developed overnight. Having grown up just a bit different and being forced, in some ways, to grow up faster than others, it had become essential in my development.
Learning to understand mortality at an early age pushes you to deal with adult topics sooner than most and because of that, you lose some of your childhood and innocence. These experiences helped to instill in me a NEED for accomplishment. I have never wanted to live a life that I wouldn't be proud of or become someone that I couldn't respect. My life has been a series of triggers and I have embraced the "pulling" of those triggers, where others often let those opportunities or moments pass.
It's not always easy, but the right thing to do is to pull the trigger and prepare for what happens next. The recoil. It's easy to ignore the trigger, just lay down, let the moment pass and hope to walk away unscathed by the experience. You can let moments scar you or you can let moments educate you and make you sharper. I tirelessly attempt the latter.
Yes, I am fond of the expression (pull the trigger) because I think it defines the action that is needed to engage the experience. It's the moment where fear of the unknown and courage meet. When you pull the trigger, you are then ready to experience the recoil of the moment. It's the beginning of new experiences and the start of a journey that might have never happened if you just laid down.
I don't really know if I have a defining moment, but perhaps many moments where I got up and pulled the trigger. When I was 11, my younger brother died in a car accident. He was 8. That moment was probably my first experience with the trigger. I could have allowed that experience to scar me and negatively alter my path, instead it made me realize how precious life is and the need to accomplish something and not squander my opportunities by not living up to my potential. I actually feel, in some was, that I have to live twice the life that most people experience. He never had the opportunity to grow and make his mark in this world, so it was on me to carry the torch, embrace twice the load and expect more from myself. Pretty heavy stuff for an 11 year old kid? Nobody told me I needed to do this-I accepted the responsibly on my own. So yes, as much as I don't wish for death to be a defining moment, it was probably the start to my journey of pulling the trigger.
With the death of my older brother this year, I am still trying to make heads or tails with the triggers that are involved with that. I will embrace more and accept whatever responsibilities that come from this. When in doubt....PULL the trigger...
I assure you, I am not prime for a midlife crisis or an eventual panic attack. You would be amazed of what you can take, endure and learn from. If you are used to more, you can accept more. If it is second nature for you to pull the trigger, the moments that would send others into therapy, you will fluidly endure. The world is full of these people who, day in and day out, can take on more in a week than some can in a lifetime. Keep in mind that our DNA is the same. We are all capable of more, but some people choose to quit trying or lay down, just when things are starting to get interesting. You don't realize your potential because you have never pulled the trigger. You took yourself out of the game and quit because life programmed you to not pull the trigger.
Break programming and pull the trigger. The recoil will only make you better.
I spend about an hour and a half a day sitting in the cab of my Ford Escape. It has a 120,000 miles on it, but it's been paid off for well over 3 years. When it finally dies, I will consider paying cash for something and drive that till it dies. Car payments are my least favorite payment.
During this time on the road I get an opportunity to observe a lot about the human condition and have come to a conclusion about people. The way you drive is often a direct correlation to the type of person you are. It's not necessarily what you drive, but how you drive, that is the most telling. You cannot make assumptions about the vehicle, because they, like me, might have more than one vehicle that could possible define them. If you read in my bio, I also own a classic 1965 Chevy truck. Quite different than my paid for Ford Escape. Feel free to make your assumptions about the size of my ego or body parts.
While I am behind the wheel, alone with my thoughts, I tend to witness random things. I see kindness in some drivers, as they let others into a lane and sometimes there is a casual wave of good gesture and then I see random acts of douch-baggery where people cut off 3 lanes of traffic just so others can suffer from the mistake that one person made. You really can learn a lot about the human condition while you are rolling at the speed of 7mph on a 6 lane interstate.
What should we assume about the person who darts in and out of each lane of traffic, cutting people off and making 5 lane changes per minute? This person is most likely indecisive and loves the drama in life. They create a crazy situation by constantly having to check all 3 mirrors and expelling a bunch of unnecessary energy. Only to end up sitting right next to you in traffic, 3 miles down the road and getting to their destination at the same time each day wether they made the lane changes or not. This person loves the drama and most likely it's not just the kind that occurs in their morning or evening commute.
There are also the "I am right, everyone else is wrong" drivers. These people are the ones who drive the exact speed limit in the passing lane. They don't care that you have to pass them in the right hand lane because they are driving the proper speed and you are not. Since you are so hell bent on driving over the posted speed limit, you will be forced to continue to break driving etiquette and pass them in the right lane. They will show you! You will be inconvenienced, but they will be right! In society, these people are the rule followers. Sadly, the laws of driving are very rarely applied in the real world. They are just a set of rules you must learn in order to get the license at the DMV, but you can go ahead and forget them as you walk out the door right? These people serve a purpose in life, but are not able to get passed their need to be right and therefore, nobody likes them. They hold onto the guidelines of life and never understand that there is a world out there beyond black and white. I often imagine them being 40+ and living alone, wondering why the world never conformed to them. They do serve a great purpose though....these people make great designated drivers!
Then there is the douch bag. The person who would flip YOU off after THEY make a mistake in traffic. As they are blowing though the stop sign and failing to yield, they are insulting your mother. They are telling the person that the are talking to on the phone how much of an idiot YOU are as they completely miss seeing you when they pulled out in front of you. In life, these are the people who are full of dumb arrogance. The loudmouths, the guy who wears a blue tooth in his ear when he is not on the phone, the girl that blames the world because SHE left the house late and everyone on the road is making HER late. These people cannot decide which lane to be in, so they will straddle two lanes till they decide. Nobody gets to move forward until they make a decision. In traffic, they will drive as far as they can in the lane they are in, passing cars up for a quarter mile, only to expect you to let them in because they chose to ignore the "right lane merges" sign for the last 2 miles. You all want to punch these idiots, but sadly they are not the worst.
It's the people who have no purpose. These people are worse than sheep. These people do not know their place in the interstate world. These individuals are the ones who drive the same way each day. Even when the traffic is lighter and they have an opportunity to go faster, they just don't know how to accelerate. They can't pull the trigger and they don't know any better. They have no idea how fast their car goes, because they have never tried. As you pass them, they have that blank, clueless look in their eyes. Outside of the car, these are the people at theme parks who walk slower than the rush of the crowd. As everyone is jockeying for position, so they can be at the the It's A Small World ride at Disney 12 seconds faster, these people keep a steady pace and just exist as the world happens around them. Not always looking up to take in sights, but more often their heads are looking down as they shuffle their feet to walk. They are the people who just stand there at the grocery store or mall with that "please just go around me, I don't know what I am doing" look on their face. These are the people who never know what to do at work. Somehow they had enough energy to apply and get the job, but spend their 8 hours a day just waiting to be told what to do. They are not a cog in the clock, they are one of the extra parts that came with it. Not functioning unless someone tells them to. They are the unplugged computer and in this case, commuter. They cautiously stay out of the current, in an effort to not get run over or commit to the commute. They are just waiting for 5pm each day so they can do it all over again. These people are not committing to life, they are just waiting for the end of the next thing.
Sure, there are other types of drivers, but for the most part, they fall under these categories. Few of you reading this will place yourself in any of these. I know I won't. Yet, you have witnessed each of these types of people, either on the road or in the workplace. Sometimes some of these people just need an accident or something to scare them into a change or a moment of self reflection. Yet, we are all creatures of habit and will eventually fall back into the same patterns.
Unless....we don't.
Mental toughness.
Also means "amount of crap one can deal with". I would like to think that I come from a long line of mentally tough people. People who are built to cope and handle more "crap" than others. I'm certainly not suggesting that I have had it any rougher than anyone else, just that my genetic makeup proves that when it comes to handling things-I tend to be able to deal with these issues without allowing my hair to catch on fire. I am not better than anyone, just built different than many.
If you have ever been one to read prose and poetry, I have always loved "IF" from Rudyard Kipling. I have mentioned this in previous posts. My favorite line from the piece, that happens to be the opening line of the poem is:
"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you".
Kipling wrote this with his own son in mind. The whole poem is about how to be a man. Written around 1894, it's lessons still hold true today. I first read this poem when I was 14 and have made it my mantra over the years. A copy of it has hung in my office for well over a decade. I see it everyday, but read it when I feel the need for a pep talk.
People can doubt you, hoping their own shortcomings will lower you to their level of mental toughness. Not because they don't like you, but because they are more comfortable with you on their level of vulnerability. Nobody wants to be the weak one and they certainly don't want to be alone in their vulnerability. Perhaps, instead of confronting the issue head on, some people circle the wagons, tell everyone who will listen and hope that it just goes away because they talked it to death. Running around and "losing their head" is too often embraced by those who would be better off applying energy towards dealing with the issue. When your hair is on fire there are two ways to put it out. Let it burn out after it runs out of hair or pour some water on your head. The latter is the solution.
As much as I love my life, feel blessed and try to always be the most supportive and positive person, there is a side of me that fights with life. We probably all have some of that internal struggle going on. As much as I love life and live it the best I can, there is a part of me that longs to tell life to go eff itself. Maybe it's my competitive nature or a need to "fight" something in order to feel whole? Whatever it is, I think it's perfectly healthy and it's a factor in what drives me to do more and be more. You too should embrace it. It's not people that traditionally push me-it's me and my internal struggle that yields results. I guess we all need a bully from time to time, but I'll be damned if I let any one person bully me.
I'm fine kicking my own ass.
Life and movie trailers.
One of my favorite things about going to the movies is being able to watch all the trailers. A two minute highlight reel of possibilities and potential. A glimpse of what could end up being one of the greatest movies of all time or a box office bust. Often, you an tell which one is which by the trailer. The romance, the plot twists and the fast paced action all capsulated in a 2 minute package that is meant to bring you in and leave you wanting more. Or at least give you enough time to pee or get napkins for the popcorn before the good stuff start happening.
If your life was a movie what would be in your trailer?
With the recent events of my life and the latest themes of my blogs, you can probably tell that I have mortality and legacy on the brain. Often I get caught up with a particular topic and I find myself thinking and blogging about it until I feel I have hit all the angles. When you look back at your life and imagine it being made into a movie one day, what would make the highlight reel?
Your first kiss? Graduation? Getting married? Having kids? Would these events make your movie trailer? What events have occurred in your life that would be worthy of others plopping down $10 bucks to watch it? $13 if its in 3D...
Yet, life isn't a highlight reel is it? It's not a series of huge events jam packed into 2 minutes. Life is a series of little moments that wouldn't and couldn't be understood by a theatre full of people. Life is the small stuff. The glue. The epoxy that connects the big moments and holds them together. Never has there ever been a movie created that was 100% factual about anyone's life. None of us are that interesting.
So, the question...what's your epoxy?
Between the boring stuff and epic moments, what kind of life are you leading? Are you taking in the little moments and seeing the value in the events that are not aligned with grand gestures and celebration?
Sure, if I were to be found on my death bed, I would certainly remember the big events in my life, but I would also recall more small moments. In the same moment I would recall a huge event like my wedding day-I would also recall, with great detail...pushing my kids on a swing, my daughter's first joke, my son's face when he eats something spicy, the first time my wife called me by my nickname and the time my brother broke my bike or chased my sister around with the yellow towel. These moments aren't worthy of a highlight reel and they certainly, if glued together, wouldn't make you want to go see the movie version of my life. To me, these are just some the little events I can describe in great detail. Odd that the big moments don't allow you to take everything in, but the "smaller" ones give you the capacity to remember simple elements that are unique and "yours".
Take advantage of the moments of epoxy. The big events are wonderful and important, but you will find that they are not as impacting as the events that would end up on the cutting room floor. The real moments are the things that very few people would relate to or understand. It's the dialogue and the smaller set up "scenes" that truly make the difference in living a life or having a life worth living.
My incredibly blessed life would have the most amazingly boring trailer and I think that is awesome.
The end. Roll the credits. Remember to dispose of your half eaten vat of popcorn and your $15 drink. If you read this in 3D, you got ripped off and you look like an idiot...take the glasses off before you walk outside.
#movies #ironman #wedding #trailers